8 posts tagged “parenting”

I recently wrote an email to a newly married young woman who is expecting her first. I compiled a bunch of links for her to look over. I thought you might enjoy looking over the list too.

Fertility Awareness / Natural Family Planning
"Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler
This book completely opened a whole new world for me as far as what my family planning options were. Highly recommended reading. It's a wonderful introduction to world of Fertility Awareness (Natural Family Planning).

Couple to Couple League
This is a Catholic organization that trains teaching couples to teach classes on Natural Family Planning (NFP). My husband and I took a class through them. Very informative and helpful. Again, highly recommended.

Natural Family Planning International, Inc.
When I took the NFP course they used the book "The Art of Natural Family Planning" by John and Shelia Kippley. CCLI no longer uses that exact text, and the Kippleys have gone on to form a new NFP organization (the above link). This site is good because the entire how-to book for learning NFP is free on their website (in PDF format). What I like about their approach to NFP is it is very comprehensive and gives you lots of options for figuring out your fertile/infertile days based on your  personal history, but all the options can be confusing. The Toni Weschler approach is much more simple, but less flexible.

Fertility Awareness on Wikipedia
Good general overview of Fertility Awareness/Natural Family Planning.

Birth Control
Contraception Resource Info
Great site that has lots of VERY ACCURATE and COMPREHENSIVE information on all thing contraception related. I've cross referenced information I've found on this site with lots of other resources and found it wonderful resource. There is stuff on hormonal birth control, IUD's, various barrier methods and various natural methods.

A Condensation of Does the Birth Control Pill Cause Abortions? by Randy Alcorn
Basically, I wish someone had told me this a long time ago. It's up to you to read it, fact check, etc. and decide the morality of the situation, but I do want you to have the information. You can find some of my thoughts on this with lots of other links here:  Informed Consent?

Some Subtle Effects of the Birth Control Culture
Some wonderful thoughts analyzing how the wide use of birth control has affected our culture's view of children and family size.

Birth and Newborns
Preventing PPD: Summary of the plan
I had postpartum depression (PPD) after my first and managed to avoid it after my second and third. Implementing a lot of the strategies found at the above link was a large reason why I did much better in later pregnancies. I wrote some more thoughts about this here: Link Love: Ask Moxie: Preventing PPD

Kellymom
A great breastfeeding resource.

My (unsolicited) Advice on Bunches of Baby Things
As the title says, this a bunch of my unsolicited advice. Enjoy!

Parenting
Raising Godly Tomatoes
This book has been hugely helpful to me in figuring out what in the world I'm doing with this whole parenting thing. You can read the whole book online for free. I wrote a review after first reading it here: Parenting Lots of Little Ones

There are more parenting resources I could send you, but a lot of that stuff kicks in after the first year. So, I'm just sending you my favorite for now.

Life as a Stay-At-Home-Mom (SAHM)
Suburban CEO
Some wonderful thoughts on finding happiness and fulfillment in staying home and being a mother and wife in a society that teaches us that kind of life is not valuable, fulfilling or happy.

Why Modern Motherhood is So Much Harder than it Ought to Be
Some more thoughts analyzing the frustrations many modern women go through as we transition to being a SAHM, but from a more Christian perspective.

I had Thanksgiving at my family's house today (my mother's father). They have opted to have their Thanksgiving get together on the Saturday after Thanksgiving to avoid the tug-of-war on Thanksgiving day of everyone trying to visit all the relatives. I really like this system.

Again, it was a really good day. I even got a compliment from one of my relatives about how peaceful the day was in spite of there being five kids five years old and under (my kids and my brother's kids). It was a peaceful day. 

This year's Thanksgiving day was really nice. Unlike last year where I felt completely drained and inadequate by the end of the day, this year I feel calm and content at the end of the day. I'm really trying to take the holiday season on my own terms this year and not get sucked into (perceived or real) outside expectation of how I should feel and celebrate. This seems to be a much better approach for me. I realize this holiday angst is probably not an issue for lots of other people, but it is for me, and so I'm working on it.

My kids were really good today, which was such as a contrast to last year. I was good too. I didn't get frustrated, or speak in a frustrated, exasperated tone. I didn't have to repeat myself a bunch of times to get my kids to follow instructions. You know how you just have those days where everything falls into place (and those other days where nothing falls into place)? Well, this was an in place day. Emma was the only one who was even a little cranky and clingy, but she's still battling a cold. Even so, she was still pretty good. Good day.

Anger in parenting is an ugly side of parenting that no one likes to talk about except to condemn others as if they themselves have never had a problem with it. In my view, anger in parenting can manifest itself in many subtle ways, not just the extreme, violent outburst of abuse that one would typically think of. Impatience, frustration, yelling, snapping at others, and irritability, to name a few, are all manifestations of anger in parenting.

For a long time I never really thought of myself as having a problem with anger in parenting until I compared my expectations for my children with what I allowed within myself. I'm generally a calm person with others and my children, but I realized all the things I expect out of my children such as to not yell at one another, to take disappointment with calm resolve to try again next time, to speak kindly to others regardless of one's own situation, etc. were woeful shortcomings within myself. I know none of us are perfect, but I tell you, I was greatly ashamed when I looked at my own actions and attitudes in comparison to the standards I held my children to.

I really think anger in parenting is one of the most sly and subversive things that can undermine our best efforts to parent effectively.  I resolved that I have to attack this problem proactively and really make a conscience effort to be the person I want my children to become.

The most important thing I did was pray for help. It was a scary thing for me to pray for patience, because, honestly, I was afraid of what situations God would send me so that I could learn patience. But like all other instances in my life where I have wholeheartedly submitted my will and my trust to God, it is worth it. He always gives me what I need even when I cannot bear to choose it for myself.  For that I am thankful.

Develop a game plan ahead of time for how to deal with tough situations. You know what actions and attitudes from your children that really push your buttons. Think of those first and resolve how you will handle them consistently, every time, and do just that. Stick to the plan, because that's why you made the plan. Once I had a clear game plan in my head of how to handle difficult situations I found that a lot of the irritation and frustration that normally would accompany such a situation went away as I focused on implementing my "parenting game plan."

Look at frustrating situations as exercises in learning patience. Just like when you are exercising your body and you "feel the burn," you then respond by working a little harder, because you know it's working towards the greater outcome. So too should we look at trying times as learning experiences. This was a big thing for me. When I started re-framing my frustrations into learning experiences I was better able to let go of a lot of the anger attached to them, and instead focus on having the kind of calm attitude that I felt was appropriate.

When you have the urge to yell, force yourself to speak softly. Resolve this ahead of time, just like the smoker who resolves to chew gum when he gets the urge to smoke. There was no way around it for me. Simply, I had to make this rule for myself and stick to it.

Watch out for your anger triggers. Try to anticipate situations that are likely anger triggers for you and give yourself an inner pep talk, resolving to speak softly and act calmly. I had to learn to constantly be on guard for situations that were temptations for me to yell and loose my temper (like when I'm tired or hungry, such as bed time or dinner time) and recognize those situations ahead of time as moments where I needed to be extra careful to have a calm, kind attitude. 

Take an honest look at your yelling. If my children are yelling and I have the urge to yell so that they can hear me, I force myself to walk over to them and speak directly in their ear in a soft but firm tone. "So that they can hear me" is the excuse I used to tell myself, when the truth is lots of kids yelling or being loud was an anger trigger for me. I was just yelling in anger. There are still times when I speak loudly (like an actor projecting his voice), but the tone must still be calm and my inner attitude must still be calm, or else, for me, I would be violating my conscience and, in fact, just yelling in anger.   

Setup situations to cut down on the insanity. If all the toys everywhere are driving you crazy, severely cut out the number of toys. The cartoon background noise bothering you? Make rules about limiting the TV time. Finding crumbs and moldy cups all over the place? Food and drinks are only allowed at the kitchen table rule (or "sticky drinks" as I call them—I allow water cups around the house). Just because it's not a rule in every house doesn't mean it can't be a rule in your house. You're the parent, you need to be sane, make rules/guidelines for your house that help you do that and stick to them.

Practice good behavior with your children ahead of time. Work on discipline trouble spots during a time when you feel like your best self (fairly well rested, not over hungry, etc.) by setting up practice situations. Really, we practice sitting quietly, we've practiced lying quietly in our beds, pretty much anything that requires self control. Since starting this I now find myself looking at bad behavior as areas where more practices is needed, rather than the knee-jerk "grrr, will you just stop!"

Remember that you are investing yourself in your children. If my "in the moment" discipline efforts feel like they are taking long (ie. why isn't he quiet yet?! why isn't he still yet?!), which can be an anger trigger for me, I try to remind myself that my time in disciplining my children is an investment. I'm looking down the long road into forming my children into godly adults. And I remind myself that my children are worth the investment.

Truly, since honestly facing my problem with anger in parenting and implementing strategies towards fixing it, I really think I've become a better parent (and perhaps a better wife, I find myself using some of the same strategies when I'm tempted to respond in anger towards my husband). By no means am I perfect, but I think we owe it to our children and ourselves to work on being the best possible parents and people we can be. If you've found yourself in the same boat as me, struggling with similar shortcomings, I hope this helps.

My children in general are what most would call "good sleepers." From the one-year-old to the four-year-old, they all sleep through the night in their own rooms. Every afternoon they all take a nap at the same time. I'm not entirely sure if this is something I've influenced through parenting, or if it's just in the genes. Perhaps some combination of both. Just in case I've managed to stumble upon some things I've done which may have helped my children sleep better, here are some of my practices and philosophies on sleep. As always feel free to take or leave any of the thoughts you read here and do what works best for your family.

I don't sleep train. Now, I may be training them in my own way, but I've never done a "by the numbers" style of little by little getting my children to sleep through the night. It's a lot more fluid and intuitive for me.

For newborns I don't care where you sleep as long as you sleep. I would hope it goes without saying that I don't care where a newborn sleeps as long as it is a safe place, but there I said it. What I mean is that I place a greater premium on developing sleep rhythms rather than the habit of sleeping in a certain place. I don't deliberately try to get them to sleep in non-traditional places, I just don't stress over them not sleeping in their crib, cradle or wherever they're "supposed" to be sleeping. All my children spent most of their early months sleeping in a Fisher-Price cradle swing. God bless the designers of that wonderful contraption.

I think sleep begets sleep. I've never been a fan of the philosophy that says you should keep a baby or young child up during the day to help them sleep at night. I think if you let a child get the sleep they need during the day, they will naturally find the normal human rhythm of mostly sleeping at night and mostly being awake during the day. Although I have been known to try to keep a child awake for a fifteen minute car ride until we get home for nap time.

We use comfort objects. All my kids have been big fans of pacifiers and blankets. I'm not necessarily endorsing or denouncing their use. I understand there are pros and cons regarding the use of comfort objects. I'm just saying this is what we do, and it may have contributed to my kids developing sleep habits that are easier on mommy.  

We co-sleep. I freely admit that my thoughts on co-sleeping entirely revolve around finding what practices help mommy stay most sane. In those early months especially, I find that both mommy and baby get more sleep if we're in the same room together. I put a portable crib in our room and allow the baby to sleep next to me while they nurse. I usually fall asleep while this is going on. If I happen to wake up and notice the baby's not nursing, I'll move the baby into the portable crib.

I don't expect little babies to sleep through the night any time soon. In my view that just cause heartache and frustration. I gear myself up for interrupted sleep for the long haul and then am always pleasantly surprised at how "soon" they start sleeping longer stretches.

When I have a newborn I always nap with the newborn during afternoon nap time. Newborns sleep on and off throughout the day, but I always try to make afternoon nap time part of their normal rhythm by lying down with them. Not to mention with a newborn mommy needs the sleep too.

I move kids into their own room when it's no longer working for me. That usually happens around nine to twelve months for us. This is an entirely intuitive thing. Basically, when I feel like my child and I are loosing more sleep than gaining by sharing a room I move the kid out. Around this time my kids are usually taking two regular naps during the day, a morning and afternoon nap. When I start to get the idea that the kid should probably move out soon I start to have them take the morning nap in their own room. So far moving out has never been a big transition for us. Just one night they're sleeping in our room and the next night they sleep in their own room.

In general my philosophies on sleep revolve around doing what will make mommy most sane. I try to give myself realistic expectations while at the same time maintain boundaries for my own sanity. 

I have closely spaced children. It can be really hard at times. Ultimately I find it very rewarding and worth it to have them all so close together, but I have no illusions about the sheer difficulty and true exercise in patience it is having so many small children. I'm due with my fourth in March '09. When that one arrives I will have a (just turned) 5yo, (almost) 3yo, (almost) 2yo, and a newborn. Here are some of the things that really helped me adjust and even find joy in having so many little ones.

Take Yourself Seriously
I starting making my own physical and mental health a serious priority. I know you hear that in lots of places and it's hard to internalize and put into practice, but it is really true. I just started looking at my health as part of my job. I can't do my job if I'm an emotional wreck or if I've made myself sick from stress. If I'm spread so thin that I can barely drag myself out of bed, I'm not doing my job. If I'm so stressed that every little thing is annoying me and tempting me to yell, I'm not doing my job. If I'm feeling so guilty about not being a good mother that I'm not properly disciplining my children and letting them get away with things that would normally be unacceptable, I'm not doing my job.  It's vital to my children that I am my best self and I have to take that seriously.

Make Revitalization Time Part of Your Routine
One of the ways I started to take myself seriously is that I changed nap time from a time for me to catch up on things like housework to a time that is only for things I want to do. That may be some housework related project or writing or just taking a nap too, but it's only for things I enjoy and will feel revitalized by doing.

Your Home Is One Big Classroom
I started looking at my home and all the mundane daily activities as one big classroom with lots of little learning experiences. If I look at kids helping me with laundry, dishes or cleaning as a learning experience, I find that I get less frustrated about the slowness of it all. And trust me having a 4yo, 2yo and 1yo "helping" you is slow. The important goal is them learning a new skill and implementing it rather than having a spotless house (which has always been an elusive goal for me anyway).

Obedience Is The Primary Skill You Teach
From a safety, as well as sanity point of view working towards teaching my children first time obedience really takes a lot of stress away. When we're getting out of the car and I tell my children to keep one hand on the car as I get another child out or get a bag out of the car and trusting that my children will obey me makes a lot easier and a lot less stressful to go on an outing. The shortest way for me to describe how we work on first time obedience is that the child keeps doing a command (they already know how to do) until they get it right (with the right attitude as well as the right action). The phrasing usually goes: "I think you're having a hard time listening to Mommy. Let's try that again." Then I reset the situation and restate the command. Don't worry, obedience just because Mommy said so is not the end of the skill. When rational thinking starts to kick in you can and should start to explain why a command is important, but I believe the first skill should be for little ones to obey their parents period. And no, my children aren't perfectly obedient all the time. It's a skill and just like any other skill sometimes they are very good at it and other times they need more practice. As with most things with children, it's a work in progress.   

You Don't Have To Be Your Child's Playmate
I stopped feeling like I have to facilitate every moment of my children's play. Independent play is a good thing. Even though I strive to include my children in the daily household chores, there are still times when all of them can't participate at the same time, not to mention I think it is good for them to have their own unstructured play/exploration time. Since I've backed off I find that it has become super fun for me to come over every once in a while and see the cool new game they've come up with (usually way cooler than anything I would have come up with). I'm not a big fan of go to your room and play out of my sight, so I'm still within watching distance, just not play partner anymore.

You're Not a Single Person Anymore
Single people get things done a lot quicker than we do. I know that seems obvious, but I've really had to stop looking at my time from what I think of as a single person's (or perhaps a person with only one child's) perspective. It is a slow process to try to get three small kids in and out of the car. It's a slow process setting everything up for three little ones to eat. It is a slow process taking one child to the bathroom and changing diapers for the other ones. In general, everything goes at a slower pace with lots of little ones. I find that when I start to get frustrated and annoyed at how long it's taking us to do something, I realize I'm looking at the task from a single person's point of view and not from a parent of lots of little ones point of view. It's just a different pace of life. Once I got my head wrapped around that, I was a lot more at peace with having so many young children.

I love larger families and I love having my children spaced close together, but it is hard. Hopefully some of these ideas will work as well for your family as they have for ours. As always, feel free to take or leave anything you read here.

I just finished reading through a series over at Amy's Humble Musings about Life With Three Under Three. This series of eight articles was written about a year ago, but it is very fresh and timely for me. Her thoughts range from the super practical laundry tips to the more philosophical questions of being open to having more than two kids. I was especially moved by the Life With Three Under Three - #5 post. There were words from both the article and the comments that really stuck out in my mind:

From the article:

After a few babies, reality sets in and the Christian mom begins to think that maybe everyone had a good point. This is really hard. She is knee-deep in Cheerios. The laundry has an unnatural smell to it. She’s knows the theme song to every show in the PBS morning lineup. Her husband gets to talk to people that are taller than his waist during the day and she feels jealous. The kids are crying, but when it’s quiet she is left with the thought, “How does doing THIS glorify God? And how in the world do I do this?!”

Our 21st-century homes do not have front porches. Quilting circles are only found in books. And the hospital nurse at your last delivery? She was 20. Her coaching consisted of asking every few minutes if you were ready for an epidural.

Has it really come to this? And if so, is it OK?

I don’t think it’s OK. I also think many women agree with me. We weren’t meant to do it alone. We weren’t meant to take our cues from the broader culture. We want to know that it’s OK to cross-the-line and have Baby #3 (on purpose). We want to raise them to love Jesus and not lose our minds at the same time. We want to know that our sacrifice means something, and at the end of the day, our pursuit of God’s glory made a difference.

Um, yeah... What she said. No really, did she just go into my mind and pull that straight out?!

And from the comments:

God doesn’t want ME to be successful, He only wants me to NEED Him.

I don't think I've ever seen it written like that, but the moment I read it I recognized it. Memories came flooding back of all the times God has tried to teach me this. My success is to totally need Him, to be in total submission to Him. I'm missing the point when I continually run my life as if to tell God "I'm all grown up now. I don't really need you that much anymore." Praise God that He continually finds ways to remind me how much I truly do need Him.

I don’t have to look like I can juggle 7 children, the perfect dinner, the spotless house and orchestrate three women’s Bible studies flawlessly in order to get a license to have lots of children. Sometimes what God calls us to is HARD. Motherhood is no exception. Sacrifice… 'present your bodies a living sacrifice.' Isn’t motherhood a beautiful way to lay down my life?!

I needed to see this. I occasionally get the "you must be a saint" or "you must be a so organized and so patient" comment when people find out how many children I have and how young they are. I usually just politely smile and say nothing. All the while the little voice in the back of my head is screaming "NO YOU'RE NOT!" But the above quote reminds me that it's ok if it's hard, and just because it is hard doesn't mean I'm doing it all wrong.  Hard work and sacrifice in motherhood, regardless of the number of children a mother has, is not a bad thing. It helps me to grow and be better.

Every child deserves a special mom. If it is not the Lord’s will for you to be the patient mom of a dozen children, you still owe it to your one child to be the kind of mom who could be patient to a dozen.

I really believe that. God does not call the equipped, but He equips the called. He gives to those who ask.

There are so many times when I prayerfully wonder why in the world God would bless me with these children. Who am I to deserve them? I'm not a good cook, I'm a terrible housekeeper. What was He thinking picking me for such a domestic life? "God does not call the equipped, but He equips the called. He gives to those who ask." Reading that last line literally made me cry. I've seen and heard it hundreds of times before, but this time I finally realized how it applied (and that it in fact does apply) to me. It reminded me that I'm not alone in this, as it can so often feel like I am. It reminded me that I'm not crazy for wanting this life. It reminded me that I don't need to be looking to perfect myself into what the world sees as "super mom." I need to focus on submitting to His will and He will perfect me into what He wants and do so in His own time and manner.

There are so many more gems to find in that series of articles. Well worth the read. 

I confess, I'm a bit of a large family junkie. Do you parent lots of kids (like eight, ten or more)? If so, I'm totally interested in reading, watching or otherwise hearing about your life. I guess I kind of hope to have a larger family some day. At the moment I seem to be heading in that direction. I have three, and as much as I try, I just can't imagine being done having children. By today's standards, four is definitely in the large family realm.

So in a random search I came across a mom of eight kids and began reading through her blog. As I was reading through I came across a link in one of her comments to a site called Raising Godly Tomatoes. It's funny, I almost didn't click through, but I'm so glad I did. Raising Godly Tomatoes is a treasure trove of parenting advice. I just couldn't stop reading. It was only because I read into the wee hours of the morning that I forced myself to take a break.

Raising Godly Tomatoes offers refreshingly practical advice on parenting and it focuses on small children, which I love. Elizabeth Krueger's advice is not popular, but I believe it is right on point. My oldest is only three and even he is still too young for a lot of the other parenting advice out there. Most of the parenting stuff I come across is about how you can survive the baby/toddler years and then reason with an older child. Elizabeth, a mother of 10 herself, takes a totally different approach. She focuses on those young years as the prime foundation to raise a godly child.

Basically teach your child how to bend his will to his parent's will in those early years (how to honor his father and mother) and he will better know how to bend his will to God's will (honor God) in later years. As someone who never had to bend her will to her parent's as a child, I completely understand how difficult it is to learn this skill as an adult. It is something I constantly struggle with. I want better for my children. I'm not saying I think conforming to the will of God will be something my kids will never struggle with, but like most skills, it is easier if you learn it when you are young.

Another thing that was a total light bulb moment for me was when a child misbehaves Elizabeth advocates that you draw the child closer to you so you can watch him, rather than, as popular wisdom would say, send him to be alone in his room or in time-out. Elizabeth calls this "tomato staking":

Every gardener knows what I mean by "tomato staking". A tomato plant grows fast, big, and wild. If left untended, it soon sprawls out into an unwieldy heap. As the fruit grows, it weighs the plant down to the ground. Propping by this time is too late. Any attempt to retrain and redirect the growth of the branches will result in breakage and substantial loss of the fruit due to rot, disease, and pests.

On the other hand, a tomato plant which has been properly cared for, will produce an abundance of excellent fruit. From the beginning it must be watered, cultivated, pruned, fertilized, examined for pests, and staked up. The branches will grow the way they were propped and trained, and when the fruit is large and ripe the branches will have the strength to hold those beautiful tomatoes up off the wet ground. What a delight!
(Raising Godly Tomatoes by L. Elizabeth Krueger)

I believe she takes Attachment Parenting to its logical conclusion with Tomato Staking. A parent keeps the child close in order to properly train the child. This is where I think Dr. Sears drops the ball. Parent-child closeness is vitally important, but proximity and affection alone will not help your child grow to be a good adult. A parent must also consistently and continually teach the child proper behavior and proper attitudes that he or she should have as an adult. Tomato staking allows the parent to closely watch the child and to then correct and praise as necessary.

One of her more controversial ideas is the notion that "not all emotions, displayed freely, are good." Any emotion that would be abhorrent when displayed in an adult should be equally abhorrent and thus not tolerated in a child. She throws out this idea of "children will be children" and therefore we should let them have whatever behavior and attitude comes to them "by nature" and replaces it with the idea that parents must train their children to exhibit behavior and attitudes of a godly adult. Elizabeth also gives specific examples of how she and others seeking her advice have trained their children in the way they should go.

Elizabeth has recently had all her wise advice published in a book of the same name as the site, Raising Godly Tomatoes. She is giving away a copy of her book on Tiany's blog, Less Of Me~ More of Him, as a part of her two year Blogoversary Party. The book is by no means expensive to begin with, especially when you think of all the wonderful advice you get, but I just love the idea of possibly getting something free!