18 posts tagged “motherhood”

Will he go potty?
Someday soon it will happen,
Maybe by college. 

I've finally gotten to see this movie. Wow. Having gone through three hospital births there were so many moments in the movie where I was like "yes, exactly." When they talk about the domino effect of hospital interventions, in my experience that is extremely true. Just stupid things like "let's start the IV, just in case." After that it is SO EASY to pump in a drug based on an expert authority's recommendation.

I saw it on DVD and there was some extra footage that I image you wouldn't get to see in the theater. In one of the followup interviews with a homebirth couple the mother talks about how she reached a point in her labor that if there were pain medications available, she would have taken them. What the homebirth midwife refers in the movie to as a "rock and a hard place." Man, I know that place! The homebirth mother says "but I had it easy, I was at home." Wow. She set herself up in an environment where she could get through the pain, the worst pain, without medication and she did. She went on to talk about how she could freely move around, remove all her clothes because nothing felt comfortable (she said her mother kept giving her a robe for modesty's sake--heh!), and squat whenever and wherever she wanted, because she was at home. Even if the hospital "officially" says you can do that, that's just not how things happen. I remember going to a hospital childbirth class before my first child was born and seeing a video of this woman with no clothes on in labor moving around, squating and doing all kinds of stuff in a hospital room. When I got to that same hospital in labor I most certainly did not get "let's change your position to manage your pain," I got "let's start an IV, let's strap this monitor to you and this monitor to you, now lift your legs I need to check you, lie down on your back...."

I got a taste of what a natural birth is like with my last birth, because my epidural did not work. I managed my pain, a drug did not. Don't misunderstand, at that moment I really wanted that drug to manage my pain, but that just wasn't how things played out. I have a history of that also.  With my first birth I had partial numbing on one side and with my second I had an tolerable level of numbing from the epidural. I have never been one of those people that as a result of an epidural couldn't feel or move her legs. No, I was always in pain, just less pain (sometimes). Because of this history, I mentally prepared myself to (as I told myself) "not loose your marbles" if the epidural doesn't work. "Keep your game face on."

This last time I told the staff clearly and repeatedly that the epidural wasn't working. When the staff started feeding me the all too familiar lines "give it 20 minutes, lay on your back, lay on your left side, lay on your right side, bla, bla, bla" I thought "I'm not doing this again." I gave it five minutes of excruciating, lying on my back pain and sat up and said "This is ridiculous." The nurse then scolded me and said "Well, it's never going to work now because you're sitting up and the medicine is just going to all go to your bottom" (whatever that means!). So I said "It's NOT working. I have to deal with this and I can't lying on my back. I don't care." And it was not discussed again.

Since then I've discussed my history with epidurals with a few different health care providers and they seem to think that (as I understand it) pain medicine runs through me pretty quick. I never thought to correlate the two until after, but I also have a history of dentists not believing me when I tell them "I can still feel that!" and then give me line "it's just pressure." You gotta love that. Right, like I (along with everyone else on the planet) don't know what pain is. Anyway, even though I did have pain medicine and IV fluids (and who knows what else) in me I still got that super high after the birth that I didn't get with the other births. I just remember feeling like I have to get up and go. I have things to do and energy to do it. I guess it was because I had to deal with the pain and I was dealing with the pain. I had a lot of pain with my first birth, but I wasn't dealing with it, things were very much out of control for me. I felt like I was being dragged along to places I did not want to go with my first birth. I clearly remember after my first birth having a very fearful and shell-shocked notion of "I don't know if I can do this again." Thankfully, time heals a lot.

I still don't know if homebirth is something I can/will do in the future. But after seeing this movie and doing some more reading on it (both pro and con), I know at least some part of me really wants to. 

We don't do much coloring in my house. I just don't have the tolerance for it. I don't like picking up little crayons that get strewn about, as they inevitably will be. I don't like little kids chewing on crayons. I don't like trying to get crayon marks off of things that aren't the designated coloring sheet. So, crayons are contraband in our house. They are a strictly controlled substance. And forget painting, are you kidding me?!

But now I feel that maybe I have been too rash in my de facto art ban. Micah, my second oldest, painted in preschool and it turned out really cool. Also, he was great with the art supplies. Micah was totally focused on putting color on paper.

Now I feel guilty for all the time he didn't get to play with crayons and the like just because his older brother is still a box dumping, crayon eating, property defacer. This is just one more in a long line of reminders that although they are related, my kids are each different people.

You do see the rabbit, right?

I saw this perspective meme-- at Heidi's blog and thought I'd give it a go. I had to write out the years to keep it all straight in my head.

2008 One week ago --
I was getting ready for Thanksgiving
Looking forward to my husband having a week off from work

2007 One year ago --
I was three months pregnant with Emma.

2006 Two years ago --
I was five months pregnant with Micah.
I had just found out that I was having a boy.
We had recently decided to move into our current house.

2005
2004

2003 Five years ago --
I was six months pregnant with Joel.

2002
2001
2000
1999

1998 Ten years ago --
I was engaged to my husband.

It pretty much hits all the highlights and glosses right over the years of infertility. Until I did this, I didn't realize I was already five years removed from the thick of it. I don't understand it all, to look at this I look like the most fertile person ever, baby after baby after baby.   And maybe I am now, I don't know, but those years of infertility and a miscarriage are seared on my consciousness. It changed how I conceptualized my family and the world around me. I'd like to think, and I guess I do believe that I am a better person having gone through it, but even believing that, I can't say that I would ever choose for myself or anyone else to have to go through years of infertility. 

This year has really blown by for me. I know tomorrow is Thanksgiving, but I still can't believe that tomorrow's Thanksgiving. Then there's Christmas, and then on to a new year. I keep trying to cherish and remember those little moments with my children, but it all seems to be rushing by so fast. Emma is not a newborn anymore. While I'm thrilled that she is progressing well, I will miss the little bundle of cuddle that you only get from a newborn. Micah is marching headstrong out of babyhood into full fledged toddler-hood. He wants so badly to play with the big boys. My big boy Joel is learning so many new things so fast lately that I worry I'm not keeping up with the pace. It's an awesome thing to see a child grow to better understand the world around him, to watch as things he was once obliviously ignorant towards suddenly bloom with meaning. It goes fast.  

Emma's not sleeping through the night, which is not a huge deal usually. I don't really expect her to sleep through the night right now. I mean, if she does, great, but if not, I've got my routine down pretty well that allows me to deal with not getting eight (five!) hour stretches of sleep at one time. But on days that I don't get any kind of nap during the day I'm pretty well dead by the end of the day, which is right about now. So I'm going to bed to (hopefully!) get some sleep.

I got my first postpartum period recently. So, I'm starting my first month of Natural Family Planning. I'm a little nervous and a little excited about it. I've read two books and taken a course. I should be able to do this, right? I will say that I was pretty sure when I was about to start my period this go around by noticing the body signs stuff I learned through NFP. My prediction was only off by one day (early) for when I would start. Not too bad for someone who has never done this. I decided to use the rules in The Art of Natural Family Planning book, but use the chart from Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I'm kind of bummed my postpartum amenorrhea didn't last longer, but I will admit that I did (do) use a pacifier and I didn't get to have a daily nap-feeding as often as I would have liked, which are both things that help extend your natural infertility after giving birth. For those of you interested here's the full list:

1. Do exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months of life; don't use other liquids and solids.
2. Pacify your baby at your breasts.
3. Don't use bottles and pacifiers.
4. Sleep with your baby for night feedings.
5. Sleep with your baby for a daily-nap feeding.
6. Nurse frequently day and night, and avoid schedules.
7. Avoid any practice that restricts nursing or separates you from your baby.
source: The Art of Natural Family Planning by John F. Kippley and Sheila K. Kippley

This go around I was really trying to avoid the pacifier. Not because I think it's bad for the kid, but really because I was interested in prolonging my postpartum amenorrhea. And, I thought, it doesn't harm her by not having a pacifier (some would argue it actually benefits her to not have a pacifier). I tried, I really tried, but as strange as it may seem, there were times that she did not want to be pacified at the breast and in a moment of desperation I gave her a pacifier and she liked it. So I would remove the pacifier and try to give her the breast, and she would cry again. I tried that a number of times, but had the same outcome. So, I figured, I understand what I'm doing and there are worse things in life than having your period come back early.

It was awesome! At the end of the day all sorts of people were asking me "So, how was it?" which is code for "Did you survive?!" What's so funny about that is that not only did I survive, it was soooo much easier than being at home with my three crazy ones (this day, at least). I'm in the baby class. On Wednesdays there are only five kids (including two of mine). So I'm only taking care of two more little ones than I'm already used to AND there's another teacher in there with me. It was so great! Micah and Emma are in the class with me, and Joel is in the three year old class. Micah and Emma did great in the new environment, and it was so wonderful getting to spend so much time with Micah. I wasn't expecting it, but it really tugged at my heart strings when Joel went off to his class by himself. I was so worried for him. No particular reason, just being a mom I guess. But he did great. The teacher told me that he listens well (Can you come home with me?!) and he just needs to get used to the routine, which is expected. The other kids have been doing this for almost three months, or longer if they came in previous years. At lunch I asked Joel about his day.

I swear some days I feel like I'm running my own little nudist colony, except there's only one colony member and he's three years old. Today has been a constant struggle with my three year old where I find myself repeatedly saying:

Where are your clothes?!
Why don't you have pants on?
Where are the pants you had on?
Why did you take them off?
Why didn't you put them back on?
If they are dirty, why didn't you put them in the laundry room and get a clean pair to wear?
We can't walk around the house without any pants or underwear on.
You need pants on.
Go put your pants on.
Are you putting your pants on?
Do I need to come in there?

...and so on and so forth. All. Day. Long. I'll be glad when we move past this.

Since I'm participating in NaBloPoMo, I've been thinking about topics I can write on for each day. Sick kids was not one of them. My morning has consisted of cleaning up lots of vomit. My poor three-year-old has caught some sort of bug. I hope no one else has it. We'll have to wait and see. My three-year-old just hasn't been able to keep much down this morning. He's so pitiful. He'll be mid-sentence telling me something and then *bleh*. It took me three times before it finally occurred to me that I should get him a bowl to use instead of floor. Thankfully I'm well acquainted with the pet mess cleaner Nature's Miracle. This stuff is awesome. I have used it much more since I've had kids than I ever did when I had indoor pets. We buy it by the gallon now.