First of all I need to give the credit for this blog (or therapy session) to one of the friends in my neighborhood, One Feisty Mama (sorry I'm so ancient that I can't at this time figure out how to link her!). I read one of her recent blogs called "sleep" and it brought back a lot of memories and emotions that I realised I wasn't quite done dealing with. She addresses the guilt that I felt for wanting so much more than to just be a mother. I've been a mother since I was 17 and by the time I was in my late 20's, I'd decided that I was tired of it and although I wouldn't have traded my 2 daughters for anything (but in a way I did), I wanted to see the world and do something that wasn't "kid" related.
She married when she was 20.
She thought she was ready,
Now, she's not so sure.
She thought she'd done some living,
But now she's just wondering
What she's living for.
Now she's feeling like there's something more....
Is there life out there?
So much she hasn't done...
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home?
She's done what she should,
Should she do what she dares?
She doesn't want to leave,
She's just wondering,
Is there life out there?
She's always lived for tomorrow.
She's never learned how
To live for today.
She's dying to try something foolish,
Do something crazy,
Or just get away.
Something for herself for a change...
There's a place in the world that she's never been,
Where life is fair and time is a friend.
Would she do it the same as she did back then?
She looks out the window and wonders again...
Is there life out there?
Here's my story and a brief background... I got pregnant with Amber during my senior year in high school. I was a virgin when I got pregnant but I wasn't in love with her father so I decided to NOT marry him. I thought I'd be able to fall in love and give her a "real" family one day. I struggled to raise and support her,and with the help of my mom and to some extent, my step-mom, I did a pretty good job. I felt like it was important to show her that she wasn't a "welfare" child so I worked a whole lot of hours and I went to school to better myself so I could hopefully have such a good career one day that I'd be able to shorten my hours and eventually spend some time with her. That didn't happen soon enough for me so I started to think that maybe the answer was to "make" myself fall in love with the first "nice" guy that I dated. I thought I'd found a "nice" guy and I gave no thought to the fact that we had NOTHING in common and I wasn't attracted to him at all. I thought I could learn to love him so I proceeded to let him fall in love with me and I agreed to marry him, lied to him and said I'd never loved anyone more (a fact that I've only recently apologised for). I had a fairy tale wedding and my husband presented Amber with a ring, committing himself to be the best father he could be. It didn't take but a few years for me to become so completely disgusted by him (only some of this was his fault) and off I went! I didn't give a whole lot of thought to how Amber must of felt. After all, I was really the only thing she needed. She wasn't all THAT attached to my husband (and thankfully this really WAS true). I divorced him 2 years after we'd married.
Immediately I met the most WONDERFUL man. Amber hated him at first because she didn't like to share her attention and I was teaching her how to distrust men. It took a while but Mike became the most important person in Amber's life (besides me). In fact, I was a little jealous of their relationship. They were best friends and always together. By this time, Mike and I were living together in a home that I previously bought before meeting him. We'd decided that although he wanted to marry me, I wasn't ready to EVER make that committment again and we would live together. Mike quit his job to be a stay at home dad because I made so much more money than he did, it just wasn't feasablle for me to quit. He tried to make our lives perfect. He was the maid and nanny. He was also my best friend. During the course of all of this, I attempted to make Amber's real father step up to the plate and contribute to her financially because I had never denied him visitation. He just didn't feel like he should have to pay any support. His solution to this was to never see Amber again in exchange for lowering his support to $100 a month. He sold her for $80 a month, is the way I looked at it. Amber was 6 by then and already very attached to her biological father and her half brother. Mike felt so terrible for Amber that he decided nobody would ever hurt her again and HE was her father now. He even considered adopting her but biological dad said no (even though he would never see her again). It would have been a huge court battle and I simply couldn't afford it.
I wasn't supposed to ever get pregnant or have another baby (according to doctors) but I got pregnant in 1992 and no matter what ANYONE said, I knew I would be able to keep my baby. I agreed to marry Mike because I loved him and also knew he was perfect family material for Amber and his new baby. It just seemed like the logical next step. My family was thrilled and everyone loved him. In 1993, I had, by the grace of God, the most beautiful little baby girl (Danielle). I'm not sure what happened after she was born but although I had EVERYTHING I had ever wanted, I just wasn't satisfied. Mike stepped up, got an awsome paying job (a job that almost ruined his health) just so I could be a stay at home mom. For the first time in my life, I didn't have to work. BUT I really didn't know how to stay at home with my kids. I was very unsatisfied.
I started showing dogs a little before Danielle was born but after she was here, the dogs became my life. The people I was involved with also became my life. I was NEVER home, it seemed. When I was home, Amber, Mike and I were washing and grooming dogs for the next show. I became so good at what I did that it almost became an addiction. I LOVED the magical feeling of being #1 and winning. Even when I lost, I knew I'd win the next show. I was so driven. Mike increased his hours at work because he wanted me to be able to show these dogs and become a great breeder and have good kennels. He knew this was important to me. I remember times when I'd drag my 9 year old (that was actually all the time) and my tiny infant to the shows, out of state. I mixed formula for Danielle at expensive hotels that I'd pay for only to take a shower and feed her. There really wasn't a lot of sleeping, for me or my kids. My Mom watched Danielle most of the time though. Mike had to work. I needed a brand new conversion van and new crates and new grooming gear and new clothes etc... so he had to work triple shifts and I really didn't mind. My time was filled with the dogs, show people, training at the humanes society, on the phone, doing paper work. My hobby became a business and took up more time than a full time job. Needless to say, Mike and I slipped apart and I thought it was because I didn't love him any more. I was so selfish and so all about ME! He didn't run with my crowd and didn't like dog show people. I guess I needed to let him go. We separated after 6 years of being together and divorced a few years later. I stupidly THOUGHT I could do this all without him. I cared that Amber was hurting so BADLY without Mike but just not enough to stay with him. I completely tore Mike and Amber's lives apart. Danielle was only 3 so I knew she'd get over it. As fate would have it, I wasn't able to continue showing dogs. I had to make the choice between my children and my "super-star" pitiful dog life but I couldn't have both. I chose my kids but it hurt me. It wasn't long before I'd realised what I'd done to my family and everything came crashing down. By the time I really understood what I'd done, Mike had turned to heavy drugs, dealing and gambling. He didn't want much to do with his kids and he wasn't EVER going to take ME back (besides, I was already pregnant with someone elses child). We've remained close friends and he's living a clean happy life now, without me and better for it! I'll never get over the guilt I feel about those times. I really messed up. I don't know how Amber ever got through these years but she did and she still loves me and forgives me (although I truly don't deserve it). In fact, I'm surprised that I actually came out on the other side of the mess I created. God is good and that's all I can say.
Now, I said all of that to say this...I guess there's a happy medium for stay at home mothers. I'm sure people generally don't get wrapped up in themselves like I did. I really still think it's important for newer mothers to have an outlet or hobby other than their kids. I think a little bit of time away from the children makes you a better mother. You can do your parenting job with a clear head and maybe do it a little more energised than you would have had you stayed 24/7 with the kids. I know you're not required to give up yourself 100% just because you're a mom now. I just wish I could have found that balance and been happy with it.
